Wow! Has it seriously been over a year since I blogged last? Let's just say I've been "away" for a while. Shortly after my last blog I fell into a deep depression. I remained in a fog for many months until I burst into tears one day after my doctor asked an innocent "How have you been?". He immediately started me on anti-depressants or my happy pills as I call them. I am back, happier than I have been in many years, and almost 100% healthy. So, I guess I need to play catch-up so here goes......

The results of the cervical biopsy I had in March 2009 came back negative for cancerous cells. Yea!! I got sick in April with a really bad bout of strep and was told I would need to get my tonsils out. Boo!! I was scheduled for surgery on May 21st 2009. The same day my sister was being induced for labor to have her sweet baby girl. Since this was her first baby, she lives in Texas, and her husband works out on an oil rig in the middle of the gulf, she would be staying at my parents house where they needed to take care of her and the bundle of joyfulness. Which meant I had no one to take me to and from the hospital the day of my surgery since everyone would understandably be with my sis. B asked if I would let him take care of me and I reluctantly agreed. I wanted so bad to have him by my side as I recuperated but I was also scared to move back home and put my care back in his hands. I healed quickly and decided I was ready to move on with a life without B. I stayed in our house until I could get an apartment of my own. The week I was due to start shopping around for a new adobe B lost his job. They found out he had been socializing with skank on company time and asked him to resign. That was in July 2009. Needless to say, I was the only one bringing in an income so the moving out had to be put on hold so that I could pay our household bills. To say I was frustrated and pissed would be an understatement. I vowed to leave the second he had a job and we were caught up on our bills. Two months went by and in September we randomly received a check for a good sum of money from his former employer. B suggested he and I go on a trip together with some of the money. It was at that moment that I realized I was no longer waiting around for the money to move out. That I no longer wanted out of my marriage and my eyes were opened to the man B was turning into. He was becoming the B I had fallen in love with and the B I had married 4 years earlier. We went on the most amazing trip we have ever been on together. We drove 8 hours across Tennessee to the mountains and stayed in a secluded cabin. We sat up all night talking like we used to do when we were dating and first married. When we returned from the trip I told B I wanted to stay and work on us. We began counseling a week later. B was very involved this time. Everyday since then he has blown me away with the changes he has made. He isn't just the B I married but an even better B. He vowed to do any and everything to make us okay again and to prove himself and renew my trust. He makes a point to remind me everyday that he loves me. I am so greatful to GOD for taking something so traumatic and making something good come out of it. I am a better wife now than I was before and he is a better husband. Our marriage is stronger and we are closer than we have ever been before. If you look back over the events that happened between April and September you will see many times that GOD obviously was at work in our marriage. I mean, my surgery being scheduled the same day as my sisters induction, B losing his job the week I was going to find a new place to live, the check we never expected, I am amazed by how great GOD is sometimes.

That leads me to now and the reason I thought to look up my "old" blog that I had abandoned. I found out a month ago that my doctor found some suspicious cells in my latest cervical biopsy (my 2nd since the last blog) and he wanted to go in and remove a few layers of my cervix on into my uterus. He said my "suspicious cells" concerned him mostly because of my sister being diagnosed with cervical cancer 3 years prior. He held up our biopsy results and they were very similar so I have been preparing myself for a cancer diagnoses. The good news is that if it does turn out to be cancer he has already removed the cancerous cells so as long as they don't return I should be cancer-free. My surgery was 2 weeks ago so I should be getting results this week from the cells they removed. After B and I got my biopsy results we went out to lunch to spend time alone. While at lunch B told me he wanted to have a baby. We had been putting off expanding our family because honestly we were happy the way things were. Our son is actually his biological son with his ex wife. She left when little man was 5 weeks old and gave full custody to B. I met B when L (our little man) was 10 months old and became B's wife and L's mommy when L was 2. We may not share the same genes but he is still my little man and my beautiful son. Prior to my biopsy results if anyone even mentioned a baby to me or especially B we would adamantly tell them there was no way we were having a baby. We just went through a hard time in our family and were still healing. Besides, how cliche is it to have a baby right after your husband has an affair?! But there I sat hearing him tell me he wanted to have a baby. The same man who had always told me outright he wouldn't be excited about a baby. Until that day I hadn't wanted one either. I mean of course I had moments of weakness whenever one of my nieces or nephew were born but overall I never felt ready. After hearing the doctor say if it is cancer and it does return I could maybe have a hysterectomy in my future, I became very ready for a baby. We both became very ready for a baby. So in 4 weeks we have the go ahead to start trying for a little peanut. All birth control has been thrown out already since there can be no physical interaction between the 2 of us for 4 more weeks due to my surgery 2 weeks ago and 4 weeks is when the doctor gave the thumbs up for getting preggo. Now I am realistic and realize conceiving takes time but if I am anything like my sisters or Mom, it's gonna happen quickly. Is it weird that I can discuss my Mom conceiving without cringing? Hmmm....





So that's my year and a half summed up. Wow. A lot can happen in just 18 months. I'll be back soon to keep things updated. Bye, the world wide web.

Alot to say

It's been a few days since I have blogged. I haven't felt like blogging lately. But I'm here now and I have alot to say. I have agreed to put the lawyer on hold for the time being. B has asked me to try to give us a chance and I'm trying the best I can but even my best effort isn't enough. I just don't think this is fixable. I can't quit thinking that he is holding me back from having a wonderful life with a man who loves me unconditionally and would never hurt me. I deserve that. I deserve to be loved by someone who views me as his only love and to have babies and have a happy life. I deserve so much more than he has given me the last 7 months. I met with a psychologist yesterday and he pretty much confirmed what I thought. If B really loved me and wanted this marriage to succeed, he would be jumping through hoops for me right now. Not telling me he doesn't want to do things because of embarrassment. I have lost all hope that we can ever be happy again. I am ready to move on with my life and not let his actions hold me back anymore than they already have. But how do I take that first step to healing myself? I don't know how to get the "old" me back. I'm afraid she is lost in all this pain I am feeling. I am afraid to say good bye to the man I thought I would grow old with. I'm scared that I will never be the same. I'm just afraid all around.

I went for my second cervical biopsy on Monday. It was more painful this time. The doctor had to take fewer samples but larger areas of each sample. I cried when I got home because I felt so alone. Here I was scared that the doctors were going to find something, hurting from the pain the biopsy had caused and I didn't have my husband to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn't have that sense of security that I needed and still need. I was in a house full of people and the one person I wanted and needed was not there. When did my life become so terrible? What did I do to deserve all of this?! To add to my misery, my Aunt died yesterday and a friend of mine died last week. So I now get to go to a memorial service on Saturday and a funeral on Friday. Seriously?! What have I done wrong?!

Finally Pissed

They say you will reach a point in the grieving process that you will finally get mad. Well, I'm pissed. I asked him this morning if he had called the accountability/support group that I had recommended to him to see about meeting up. He said "No. It would be too embarrassing for me to reveal what I've done to the people within our church and I would be uncomfortable". These are men who have done the same thing as him. Men who have gotten help and now want to support other men through their struggles. And how dare he say he would be embarrassed!!! He took her around our friends!! He allowed that stupid, trashy whore to communicate with our friends. And HE would be embarrassed to talk to complete strangers about what he is going through?! HA!! That's funny. I could give two shits about how he feels right now. He wasn't the one sitting home at night wondering "Where the hell is my husband". Or the one who wondered "Why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me anymore? Is he not attracted to me?". And he wasn't the one who had to find out that the one person in this world that he loved more than anyone else, the person who had his heart and soul completely, had been out screwing around with someone else. He didn't have to discover that the love of his life had formed a relationship that consisted of phone calls 10 times a day and "I love you" to one another. He hasn't had to go throught the pain of rejection that I have felt for two weeks. So, how dare he say he would be embarrassed and uncomfortable. He won't even do the things I've asked him to do. He has an excuse for everything. But yet he says he wants me home and he is trying to work on our marriage. Yeah, he wants me home alright. So he can have his perfect little life back and he can just start screwing around behind my back again. And how is he working on our marriage? By making an appointment with a psychologist? What does that prove? That he took one thing I asked him to do to heart? That he found one thing out of my list of wants that he could actually do? I am fighting with my whole being to save my marriage to a man who doesn't seem to care about me. Not his doteing little wife but ME!!! He doesn't care about my feelings, my wants, or anything about me. He just wants his little wife back. I am finished!! I just want out of this marriage.

So Many Questions

I attended a support/accountability group last night for women who have been sexually betrayed my the men in their lives and I cannot say enough good things about it. The women there made me feel so welcome and that I wasn't the only one who was confused and lost. They showed me there there is hope for my marriage if I let GOD direct me down the path he has chosen for me. Whether his path is to restore and heal my marriage or to lead me onto a better life without my husband. They assured me that I have made some good decisions regarding my situation and pointed out where I need to work on myself. I feel GOD sent me there to get the support I was longing for and needed in my life. I would recommend the group to anyone searching for help and support. They also pointed out a few blessings I have in my life. I am blessed with a wonderful family, a roof over my head while I go through this transition, and friends who would do anything for me. I guess it took all this for me to see how very blessed I truly am and I now realize things could be far worse. They have convinced me that my husband and I need therapy. Both individually and together. I have called a psychologist and will hopefully start seeing him soon on an individual basis until I am ready for the therapy sessions that involve my husband. He has a session scheduled for Monday with my husband. I hope these sessions are taken seriously by my husband (let's start calling him "B" for the remainder of blogs.). I hope B understands that this is serious and isn't just going through the motions of what I've asked from him. Which leads me to his actions so far...

B has been calling me constantly throughout the last week and a half. Every conversation is about how sorry he is, how he wants to work through this together, how he wants me home, why I should give him another chance, that he loves me and that he wants to be the husband I deserve. He asks me constantly when I am coming home. How do I answer that?! I have no clue when I will be ready to come home and if I ever will be back home. I do miss him terribly but the hurt I feel from what he has done to me and our son is too deep to ever forget about. He has offered to sleep in our guest room while we go through the transition as long as I am back home where he says he wants me to be. What am I suppose to do? My mind runs all day long with "what if" questions and questions about his behavior. Is he geniune? Can he change? Is our marriage destined for failure or could this be the best thing to happen to us? When is too soon to see each other again? And am I strong enough to see GOD's plan through? Will I ever trust him again? And finally, why, after everything he has done to me, do I want so badly to hold him and tell him everything will be alright? I am so messed up right now!!

Still Confused

I have had over a week to think about the affair and here is what I have decided..... If he wants me to forgive him and move forward I need time to heal, he has to change his number, he has to find a new job were there are restrictions on his coming and goings, he has to seek counseling to figure out why this happened, he can no longer have a separate checking account, he must start attending church with me, and he has to be an open book to me at all times. Only then can I ever start the process of healing and trusting again.

He tells me everyday that he wants me to come home and he wants to work on becoming each others best friend, lover, and confidant again. We used to have this wonderful relationship but we have grown apart in the last year or so and began speaking only once a day. He wants us to have the relationship we had the first four years we were together. It sounds great but is it possible?! I'm still so confused!!!

Some positive things about the affair: I have lost 14 pounds in a week and half (YEA!!), I am taking better care of myself both physically and emotionally, I have started getting up an hour earlier in the mornings in order to take care of my appearance, and I have my spunk back (or as Mom calls it, my bitchiness). I feel better about myself and I am looking forward to a happy future whether with my husband or without him.

Decisions

It has been a week since I discovered my husbands affair and I am more confused now than I was then. How do I move on from this? Do I forgive him and work on my marriage? Why did this happen? And lastly, why her? Of all the people out there, why her? She is nasty. If she were attractive or skinny or classy even, I could better understand. She isn't any of those things. She is overweight, has one of the ugliest noses on one of the most unattractive faces, and she's complete trash. Plus, her body is horrible. And I would know. I have now seen her completely nude. Yep. COMPLETELY NUDE!! It was disgusting. Her breast hung halfway to her navel, where she has stretchmarks and extra skin from having 2 kids. And her legs were so fat. I mean come on. Could he have chosen anyone more opposite from me?! I have a college education, classiness, what I'm told is a beautiful face, and a pretty decent body. Not to mention, I have to admit, some incredible size C boobs. Guys love me!! So what about her was so attractive?! I am so ready to move on with my life and let her have him. But I love him very much and want to see if things are fixable. Who knows? Maybe something good will come out of this whole mess.

Confusion

Well, ALOT has happened since I last blogged. I got my hair cut again. It is so super cute. I absolutely love it. The "high" of my new hair hasn't lasted long though. I found out on Sunday that my wonderful husband of 3 years has been having an affair for the last 7 months. 7 Months?!! How did I miss that? My whole world is slowly falling apart. I am living with my parents again, I no longer have a sweet caring husband, and my little boy keeps asking when we can go home. I don't know what to do. He wants to work on our marriage but how can we do that? I will never trust him again and will always wonder if something else is going on. I am just so confused.